While mundanes may think we geeks are happy with a significant other that simply has a pulse, we the initiated understand that it takes a truly unique spirit to be compatible with our life style choice. Dating is hard; and while there are certainly good dating sites out there for common folks, none really address the needs of the true geek. They rely on psycho-babble questioneers to check for imaginary attributes like “cognitive mode” and “relationship skills”. As a geek I don’t need a service that will check 29 dimensions for my perfect match. I’m only interested in a significant other that occupies this specific space/time.
So what we geeks need is a pure scientific test that will validate to within a satisfactory margin of error, say +/-0x0A%, our perfect compatibility mate. Preferably the testing will include sparks and cool technology, because we are geeks after all.
In order to define a proper testing methodology, we first need to delineate the criterion our test would be attempting to validate. I humbly suggest these test items should include:
- Subject has a pulse
- Subject has a neutral personality to deal with our obsessive behavior
- Subject plays well with IC’s and other ESD sensitive equipment
- Subject assumes we are smart and will trust us even when their common sense tells them otherwise
- Subject is capable of generating an ion stream from their fingers for those “sexy” times
It is this author’s opinion that the only scientific device capable of properly testing all of these attributes is a Van de Graaff generator. Luckily, a typical home model in the 350,000 to 400,000 volts range should be perfectly sufficient. If your generator is currently unavailable because you are leveraging Tesla’s wireless energy transmissions, borrow one from a close friend. If neither you nor your close circle of friends owns a Van de Graaff generator, well, you’re not really a true geek and this post will not apply to you anyway.
A Van de Graaff generator perfectly suited for home use
One of the benefits of this method of testing is that it does not require a single or double blind testing methodology. Just smoothly drop into the conversation “So would you like to touch my Van De Graaff?”. Even if the subject suspects that you are testing them for compatibility, it will have no impact on the final results (assuming they have not mastered the Zen art of changing their salinity ratio).
What you will need:
- A Van de Graaff generator (AKA “Love Meter”)
- A high resistance platform
- Exactly 42 pieces of Rice Krispies
- A recently calibrated laser angle measurement device
- A sonic distance measurement device
Testing is relatively straightforward. Simply have the test subject stand on the platform and place one hand on the Van de Graaff generator. Now turn on the power and BACK AWAY VERY QUICKLY. At this point the test subject has already passed test item #4. Their common sense must be screaming that this is a bad idea. We are off to a good start.
Now, wait exactly 31.4159×10-1 seconds and observe/measure the angle of inclination of their hair strands. The ideal candidate will show a deflection rate of no more than NCC-17.01 degrees. A deflection rate of NCC-17.01A and certainly NCC-17.01B is NOT acceptable. Figure 2 shows a common example of a failed testing condition. Note the expression indicates the test subject probably already realizes they have failed our test.
This test subject clearly fails the first part of our Van de Graaff testing
If the subject passes the first test, we have validated test item #2. They clearly have a well grounded personality to put up with this type of activity. It is now time to move on to the next part of our testing.
Have the test subject remove their hand from the Van de Graaff and then power it down. Place the 42 Rice Krispie pieces in their other hand. Note the subjects hand must be dry for this portion of the testing. This can be difficult to achieve as its not uncommon for test subjects to heavily perspire from their palms when in the presents of a true geek. Enact level 1 containment and clean up procedures. If the problem persists complete the testing from behind a one way observation screen. If the problem still persists hang up a copy of the Periodic Table and point out the elements you feel are the most attractive.
With Rice Krispies in hand, have the test subject stand on the platform and place their other hand on the Van de Graaff. You did remember to discharge the Van de Graaff after the last test…right? If not the test subject will receive a relatively harmless 300,000 volt shock but it will probably be sufficient for them to mandate the conclusion of testing.
If you did remember to discharge the device, wait the appropriate 31.14159×10-1 seconds and have them extend their hand as shown in Figure 3. Note the test subject in Figure 3 easily passes the first testing. Now we simply need to determine how many Rice Krispies fly out of their hand in a projectile fashion. A maximum of two Rice Krispies travelling a distance of no more than .5 meters is considered acceptable. This will validate test item #3. Passing this test indicates the test subject exhibits a high resistance to channelling an electrostatic discharge.
Subject passes initial testing. A final Rice Krispie count must be taken for final validation.
If the subject has passed all of the previous testing, its now time to move on to the final, and arguable the most important test, test item #5. The importance of the test subject being able to generate an ion stream during “sexy” time can not be over stressed. Luckily this is also one of the easiest tests to perform. While touching the Van de Graaff generator, simply have the test subject point at the center of your body. If this produces a tingling sensation in that area, then a sufficient ion stream has been generated and the test can be deemed a success.
Please note that this author has received reports from other geeks that the application of a wedding ring appears to interfere with a test subjects ability to generate the ion stream. Experts in the field are currently investigating a resolution to the problem, but it appears that the installation of a wedding band causes the ion stream to be dispersed. Sonic signatures from this discharge may resemble the song You Lost That Lovin’ Feeling. Its also not uncommon for test subjects to exhibit chronic headaches. If you install a wedding ring on the test subject the above testing becomes void and you do so at your own risk!
I hope you have found this testing procedure helpful.
